I like that this is like how Disney adapted Hamlet to create The Lion King by interpreting if they were animals. It is really cool that you took this approach. I think that you did a really good job letting us the audience know what we are in for when it comes to your story with your introduction. It is short and to the point. It allows us to know whether we are interested or not fast which is the purpose of the Introduction. (Which I am) I completely agree that it is an awesome way to retell these stories. When first glancing at your story it is intimidating because it is so dense. It may make it feel less daunting if you could break up the paragraph into like 4 paragraphs. Also, it would not hurt to add more photos that are in between that paragraphs so it feels more like a story book with “illustrations”. My only complaint with your story was I wish the characters had names. I think your story read like a classic fairy tale well done!!
Hi Srikar! What a fun first story. Your layout is great and the pictures fit well. I was able to catch on the origin of the story pretty quickly, but was still kept engaged by the differences. I love the use of lions and combination of several other stories other than just one. I wonder what will happen to the lioness though! The ending is all I wish I had. You ended the story in a great way, but I want to know more haha. What if the next story you did, you retold this story from the hyena's view? That may let you extend the ending a bit more, while keeping the first story the same. If you did this your last story could be from another animal's view. Overall, I really like this first story and I am excited to see where you take it!
I had a fun time reading your first story. I’m a huge fan of lions so reading a story that included lions was great. I remember reading the Golden Deer and thought it was an interesting part of the story. I think doing a spin off based on the Golden Deer was a good idea. So something I wanted to know more about was the perspective of the hyena. We always hear about the noble lion but I think it would be good to include the hyena’s story which could even be its own story. Another character that I wanted to read more about was the monkey! The story ended so quickly that I didn’t get enough of the servant. While I was reading, I noticed some grammatical errors so you could make your story even better by fixing those. Overall, it was a great read and I can’t wait to see your next project!
Hi Srikar! First of all, I love the concept for this portfolioi! There are so many animals and creatures within the epics we have read so far, and along with them hold many symbols and parallels to different characters. I loved how you used the element of disguise as a major catalyst into the climax of this exciting story. It felt like I was reading a different story, similar to The Lion King or something. Through the plot, I was slightly confused on the purpose of the hyena disguising, if it was inevitable that it would be killed after luring the lions. You used great use of character quotations to add a lot of suspense. You did a great job of exemplifying the genuine love between the king and queen. The king was invested in the queens safety, and this was imparted by the monkey protecting her. Perhaps, I would consider, elaborating on the unanswered questions the readers are left with in your next story. Great work!
Srikar, I thought it was such a coincidence that I came across your story, because I literally just watched The Lion King live-action movie last week! I didn't know you were referencing the movie at first and I was like "Oh my gosh, this is so similar to The Lion King." Haha! Nicely done. You did a great job keeping true to the story line of both the movie and the Indian epic excerpt. Honestly, I would love to see your future stories be Disney themed. And since you were wanting to stick with animals as characters, I know Disney has SO many options to choose from in that aspect.
The only suggestion I have is a grammar hiccup I noticed. In the third paragraph, you wrote: "Eventually he caught it, and when he did he felled it with a swipe from his humongous paw." I wasn't sure what you meant by "felled it", but I assume it was just a typo and that you meant he killed it. Another thing you might consider adding is what the monkey saw when he went to check on the King Lion. Whether or not the actual story you took your idea from included what happened when the monkey left the queen, it'd be cool to maybe add your own ending and tell us what you want the monkey to see. Just a thought!
Srikar, I like your story, but it almost feels like you didn't finish it. What happens when the monkey leave the queen? What does the monkey find? Do the hyenas take over the lions' domain like they wanted to? I think you could add a little more to finish the story! Your pictures match your story and theme so well- good job! However, you have more than one instances of awkward grammar in your story. For example, you write "in a land far far away, there were a pride of lions." Here, you should say "was" rather than "were" because you're referring to the pride, not the lions. Another example is "The lioness heard it and got concerned for her husband." Using the word "got" is pretty awkward here. You could say she became concerned or that she began to worry? You also have one sentence where you say "Turns out the hyena was...," but this is not a complete sentence. You could fix this by saying "The hyena had been possessed by a demon!" This could add some drama as well. You have a great start, and I'm excited to see where you go from here!
I like that this is like how Disney adapted Hamlet to create The Lion King by interpreting if they were animals. It is really cool that you took this approach. I think that you did a really good job letting us the audience know what we are in for when it comes to your story with your introduction. It is short and to the point. It allows us to know whether we are interested or not fast which is the purpose of the Introduction. (Which I am) I completely agree that it is an awesome way to retell these stories. When first glancing at your story it is intimidating because it is so dense. It may make it feel less daunting if you could break up the paragraph into like 4 paragraphs. Also, it would not hurt to add more photos that are in between that paragraphs so it feels more like a story book with “illustrations”. My only complaint with your story was I wish the characters had names. I think your story read like a classic fairy tale well done!!
ReplyDeleteHi Srikar! What a fun first story. Your layout is great and the pictures fit well. I was able to catch on the origin of the story pretty quickly, but was still kept engaged by the differences. I love the use of lions and combination of several other stories other than just one. I wonder what will happen to the lioness though! The ending is all I wish I had. You ended the story in a great way, but I want to know more haha. What if the next story you did, you retold this story from the hyena's view? That may let you extend the ending a bit more, while keeping the first story the same. If you did this your last story could be from another animal's view. Overall, I really like this first story and I am excited to see where you take it!
ReplyDeleteHi Srikar!
ReplyDeleteI had a fun time reading your first story. I’m a huge fan of lions so reading a story that included lions was great. I remember reading the Golden Deer and thought it was an interesting part of the story. I think doing a spin off based on the Golden Deer was a good idea. So something I wanted to know more about was the perspective of the hyena. We always hear about the noble lion but I think it would be good to include the hyena’s story which could even be its own story. Another character that I wanted to read more about was the monkey! The story ended so quickly that I didn’t get enough of the servant. While I was reading, I noticed some grammatical errors so you could make your story even better by fixing those. Overall, it was a great read and I can’t wait to see your next project!
Hi Srikar!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I love the concept for this portfolioi! There are so many animals and creatures within the epics we have read so far, and along with them hold many symbols and parallels to different characters. I loved how you used the element of disguise as a major catalyst into the climax of this exciting story. It felt like I was reading a different story, similar to The Lion King or something. Through the plot, I was slightly confused on the purpose of the hyena disguising, if it was inevitable that it would be killed after luring the lions. You used great use of character quotations to add a lot of suspense. You did a great job of exemplifying the genuine love between the king and queen. The king was invested in the queens safety, and this was imparted by the monkey protecting her. Perhaps, I would consider, elaborating on the unanswered questions the readers are left with in your next story. Great work!
Srikar, I thought it was such a coincidence that I came across your story, because I literally just watched The Lion King live-action movie last week! I didn't know you were referencing the movie at first and I was like "Oh my gosh, this is so similar to The Lion King." Haha! Nicely done. You did a great job keeping true to the story line of both the movie and the Indian epic excerpt. Honestly, I would love to see your future stories be Disney themed. And since you were wanting to stick with animals as characters, I know Disney has SO many options to choose from in that aspect.
ReplyDeleteThe only suggestion I have is a grammar hiccup I noticed. In the third paragraph, you wrote: "Eventually he caught it, and when he did he felled it with a swipe from his humongous paw." I wasn't sure what you meant by "felled it", but I assume it was just a typo and that you meant he killed it. Another thing you might consider adding is what the monkey saw when he went to check on the King Lion. Whether or not the actual story you took your idea from included what happened when the monkey left the queen, it'd be cool to maybe add your own ending and tell us what you want the monkey to see. Just a thought!
Srikar,
ReplyDeleteI like your story, but it almost feels like you didn't finish it. What happens when the monkey leave the queen? What does the monkey find? Do the hyenas take over the lions' domain like they wanted to? I think you could add a little more to finish the story!
Your pictures match your story and theme so well- good job! However, you have more than one instances of awkward grammar in your story. For example, you write "in a land far far away, there were a pride of lions." Here, you should say "was" rather than "were" because you're referring to the pride, not the lions. Another example is "The lioness heard it and got concerned for her husband." Using the word "got" is pretty awkward here. You could say she became concerned or that she began to worry? You also have one sentence where you say "Turns out the hyena was...," but this is not a complete sentence. You could fix this by saying "The hyena had been possessed by a demon!" This could add some drama as well.
You have a great start, and I'm excited to see where you go from here!